Destiny
by sweet like chocolate
Summary: Sequel to The Blankness of Memory. A series of oneshots through Tess' life until she meets the Pod Squad. No pairings as such. Chapter 3 up!
1. Chapter 1

**Destiny**

**D**esperation fills the  
**E**mptiness and  
**S**uffering of the  
**T**rials of life with  
**I**nnocence lost for  
**N**obody but  
**Y**ou

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing to do with Roswell. If anyone wants to send it to me as a late birthday pressie- I wouldn't say no!

**Rating**: PG-13

**A/N: **This is the sequel to **_The Blankness of Memory_**. What I'm planning to do is take a series of one-shots through Tess' life up until she meets the Pod Squad. Who knows, if I get really into it I might take it through further than that! I'd like to say a quick thank you to my reviewers for Blankness. It meant a lot :) Think of this as your thank you pressie :p

I'm hoping to update fairly regularly with this, but with my AS's coming up and going to Peru in the summer I'm not sure how much time I'll have.

Wow this is turning into a long AN. Last but not least, there have been some awesome Tess POV one-parters floating around and I urge you to go read them! Because they're awesome :)

Thanks for reading and comments are always appreciated!

**Chapter 1- Failure**

_  
I am the archive of our failure  
And all I feel is black and white  
And I'm wound up small and tight  
And I don't know who I am  
Everybody loves you when you're easy  
Everybody hates when you're a bore  
Everyone is waiting for your entrance so  
Don't disappoint them  
Everybody loves you when you're easy so  
Don't disappoint them  
Don't disappoint them..._

_Sarah Mclachlan- 'Black White'_

**1989- Age 6**

_The noise is so loud. So painful. It resounds through her, echoing over and over again. It circles around her, waiting for its chance to pounce. Once more, somehow louder and more intense before. She looks down; sees the red that decorates her skin. _

_The darkness welcomes her._

The knife is large. That's the first thing she thinks. The previous knives have been small- kitchen knives, just sharp enough to draw blood. The length of it scares her.She tries to hide it, but he can see through her.

"Fear is weakness Ava. A human emotion, which, if allowed to run loose, can cause…"

"A human death." A clear definition- the first rule to live by. It is her main flaw, because she cannot turn the emotions off. They keep coming; keep pouring in from all sides. They sweep her away and she cannot even cry out.

They are testing her powers. Nasedo is so sure her strength will be healing and they have been building them up bit by bit. She doesn't know what to think. Yes she can heal, but is it meant to be that hard, such an effort?

The knife appears the only witness to her struggle. The silver point stares at her, reading her from the inside out. She turns away from it- she cannot afford to let anyone see within.

**A human death.**

_Slipping in and out of the black she sees the window- the world. Her eyes struggle to remain open to take it in. The blue light ruins her images- it bounces off the buildings and people- morphing their faces into the monsters. _

_They're looking for her- they know her secret. They whisper to her and the messages strike a chord within. _

_Failure. Failure._

_She tosses and turns, tries to get away but the voices get louder._

_Failure. Failure._

He places the knife against the flat of her stomach. The metal makes her shiver. He looks at her, preparing her. She nods, building her powers up. There is a split second of silence- then he stabs.

_Everyone in the small space is doing something. Wrapping, checking, talking, mending. The focus is on her, but she doesn't want it to be. She just wants to fade away._

She cannot think, she cannot breathe. The pain is so hard, so intense. It has never been like this before. She places her hands over the hole. They look small and pathetic compared to the gaping darkness. The blood rushes through, soaking over her palms, her fingers. She feels it dry on her skin, hard and irritable, but it soon sinks beneath the layers and layers of red that just…keep…coming.

She concentrates. She tries to force the skin together, yelling at it, screaming at it in her mind.

It doesn't work.

The blood keeps flowing- she feels the miles and miles of red like an ocean before her- ever stretching, ever lasting. Her breath comes quicker, sharper and her image swims. She tries even harder- she can feel his glare upon her. She can't fail. She's strong. She is strong.

The red pours on.

_His eyes are upon her. Always looking. She can't see him, but she can feel it. The disappointment. She is a failure. Fear is a human emotion. She will die a human death._

_Failure._

_Failure._

_Failure._

_The world goes black._

_Failure._

She panics, starts shoving at the skin, tries physically pushing at it. Why won't the blood stop? Her head swims and she can't breath, can't think.

She's aware of falling to the side and knocking the chair behind her down. She is sure the noise is loud, but it comes from so far away, echoing around her like it's from another world.

The door opening. A scream. Light changing. She's not sure what is real any more.

One thing is. The blood. She keeps pushing and then it happens, the skin begins to knit together. But now her vision is blurry, and she desperately keeps trying but it's too late.

As she collapses into the dark she knows two things.

Failure.

Fear.

_When she finally wakes in the hospital she feels sore, tired. He is there watching. In wooden terms he tells her she had a narrow escape. She's a lucky girl._

_From her dictionary she knows what luck is._

_Good fortune or success. _

_Why is she successful? She failed. She sees it in his eyes, in every move he makes. She's a disappointment after all._

_She notices the doctors and wants to scream. Do they know what she is? Will they lock her up and torture her? A slight shake of his head tells her he reads the panic in her look. She shuts down instantly. She will not let him see her fear, although it moves within her constantly. She will not show him how she fails so consistently. She will be strong._

_The darkness claims her again._

_When she wakes it is to the sounds of the car around her. He speaks without looking at her. He speaks of his trouble, the work he had to do, exchanging blood samples they took, making sure the doctors did not suspect, getting her out of there. There is more. She tries not to hear it._

_Failure._

_He tells her she nearly died and then what would they have done. No four square. No destiny. No Antar. It would have been all because of her stupidity._

_Failure._

_Lastly he comes to her letdown and, worst of all, her humanity._

_She clenches her eyes shut, tries to block it out, but with one hand he brings her face to look at him._

_She reads the shame in his eyes. Shame for her failure._

_His fingers hurt her face and tears well up without her wanting them._

_He sees them and slaps her, stinging her cheek. _

_They sit the rest of the ride in silence._

_She is unable to stop the tears that run down her face._

_Fear. Failure. It all leads to the same place._

**A human death.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter2 **

_Perhaps one of the scariest things about the world in which we live in, is our lack of control. Those moments that change our world, those special, terrible moments; we can't control when they come, how they hit us. When you first fall in love- you aren't expecting that- it just happens. And when a loved one dies, and it feels like the world is collapsing around you- you can't control that. You can't control destiny. _

_And then there are the moments that we don't know are happening, but will affect us none the less. When our best friend is born, we won't be there, but that moment will change our life for evermore. And all it takes is one moment, one person, and your destiny can be changed forever. Maybe you'd know straight away, but maybe you wouldn't. It wouldn't change the irrefutable fact though- your life will never be the same again. _

_What's planned out- that's destiny. The stuff that changes it, alters it? That's fate._

She is six years old and the world is a frightening place. She knows the rules, and the facts, but somehow- here in this swirling moment where all that can be seen is flashing colours- she cannot remember them. And all around her is noise; so much noise. Everything blurs together and she finds she can no longer hear separate sounds, but instead a general mish-mash of pure volume. It frightens her, this lack of control, and this freedom which is so apparent in every particle of air.

This is playtime, recess, and she has never experienced it before.

She feels like everything is moving too fast for her to keep up. A week ago she had never set foot outside the apartment, unless you counted her fateful hospital appointment, and now she was here, expected to just fit in, like they wouldn't hate her if they knew who she was.

But they will, which is why she has to remember to try so hard not to stare at the swings, and the children, and especially not at the girls her age with the rope swinging between them. She has to remember not to look as if she's never seen this before. And it's really hard, because she wants to know what the girls are doing. She watches one with light hair jump over the rope, and she sucks in a breath quickly. It's so quick.

The little traitorous voice in her head says it looks like fun. But that's not true. Fun is reading the dictionary when he is out. It's looking out of the window at night and guessing where home is. Fun is not jumping over a rope.

The light haired girl looks up and meets her eyes and she drops them quickly. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. How many times does she have to be told? She can't mess up again.

_Never join them. Watch them, learn from them, but never join them. Remember you are their better. You don't need them._

She stands in the corner, only a few inches from the wall. To keep from crying she recites her rules in her head, and she looks at the sky, and tries to be brave.

She hears a scream, piercing and loud blocking out all other sound. It hurts her ears. Someone near her stumbles, pushing her and she trips, falls to the concrete. Her elbow smashes against the wall and pain jolts her. There is no apology- no regret, but it does not matter- she does not expect it. The tears smart her eyes and she curls up now, back pressed against the bricks, knees pressed together. She pretends that if she makes herself small enough no one will see her. She doesn't want to be seen.

**A few hundred miles away, in Roswell, New Mexico, two other children are experiencing the world of school for the first time. They are dressed in their favourite clothes, and they are nervous also…but not in the same way. They know how to smile and they trust Diane, who has never lied to them, never hurt them. The little girl, Isabel, is so excited. Finally somewhere that she can be completely normal. No one will know her and she will get the chance to have what she knows she wants more than anything. Friends.**

**The little boy who is dragged alongside her cannot quite let himself go enough to fully participate in her enthusiasm. He doesn't want friends. He just wants to go back to Diane and Phillip and smile with them. He doesn't need anything else. He is scared.**

**But then they get off the bus. They move forward and automatically his eyes are drawn to the thriving playground. What he sees there changes his world forever.**

**He sees a little girl.**

Her name for today is Sarah Smith. He chose it, said it was normal, unimportant. Nobody would remember it. She likes it. She thinks it would be nice to be normal, unimportant. Ava, now she has a whole world resting of her shoulders. Her stupid, useless shoulders. But Sarah Smith, she just has to concentrate on going to school. And learning. She really, really wants to learn.

_You must never forget your destiny. An entire planet waits for you. You must grow up strong, fearless. You are Queen Ava of Antar. Never forget it._

And that's why she can't be Sarah Smith, no matter how hard she wants to. Those others, out there somewhere in the world- they'll be waiting for her, needing her. She can't forget them just so she can live out some stupid dream of being normal. What sort of queen would she be then?

So she sits next to the wall with her hands over her ears and tries to block out the world.

She didn't need any of this anyway. She was going to go back home, with the others, and they would rule Antar together.

That was destiny. She couldn't forget it.

**But destiny forgot her, and as she sat next to the wall, the person she waited for stepped off the school bus and fell in love with a dark haired little girl playing with her friends. A human girl.**

**That was fate.**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3- Being Sarah

A/N Helloooo people! This is very quick as I have to go pack, but here'se the next chapter. I'm sorry if it seems a bit rushed, but I wanted to have it up before I leave for Peru (tomorrow dies). I hope you like.

* * *

_Life is defined into moments. They might not be spectacular or even very important at the time. But these moments, they're out there, waiting for you. They're going to change your life._

When the shadow falls across her she doesn't notice for a moment. She is too wrapped up in herself, in trying to remain unnoticed. So it takes a small noise for her to look up.

Standing above her is the small blond girl she had seen with the rope earlier. In fact the rope is hanging from her hands now, brushing the floor in front of her feet softly.

"Do you want to play?" Her voice is quiet but filled with confidence and Ava is immediately torn. She remembers the rope moving through the air, the small bodies full of movement.

And then, suddenly, she knows what it is to want something so bad that you'd do anything for it. In that defining moment all she wants is to jump over the rope with the other children and forget that there is anything else in the world. That feeling, that longing takes over and she finds herself nodding, and climbing to her feet.

And when the blonde girl holds out her hand she finds herself taking it like it's the most natural thing in the world.

"I'm Bella."

"Av…Sarah." She nearly slipped then, but Bella hadn't noticed. The other girl was swinging the rope in her hands slowly.

"Do you want to be friends?" Ava nearly falls backwards with surprise. She wanted to be friends with her? Of course she didn't know what she was; Bella thought she was just a normal girl like her. But still…a friend. Nasedo said she should try and fit in, and that meant friends, didn't it?

So she nodded again, and let the other girl drag her off, not really paying attention to what she was saying.

A friend.

* * *

Sally, Rebecca, Alexandra, Sophie- meaningless names and faces that rush past as her feet move over the rope. The world blurs and soon the rope is all there is. Just her and the rope. 

It's heaven.

Then something strange happens. As she moves a strange sounds comes from deep inside her stomach and bursts out like a monster. She stops skipping and just gives into the feeling.

She is Sarah Smith. She is six years old, and for the first time in her life, she is laughing.

* * *

In the classroom she is careful not to show that she knows more than the others around her. She cannot help but feel slight contempt as she watches Bella struggle over simple words, but when it is her turn to read she makes sure she stumbles and falters as well as the rest of them. 

Their teacher is young and beautiful and Sarah looks up at her with amazement as she is given a book to take home. She has read much harder things, but it has pictures.

The story is of a princess with long beautiful hair. She imagines herself in the story, wonders if her tale will have a happy ending. She doesn't know it yet, but in the following years she will devour every story like this, desperately searching for that happy ending.

In the afternoon they have to draw a picture of what they did over the weekend. The boy next to her draws an alien. He saw a movie and his picture shows them with claws and big eyes. He tells the teacher that they are evil and he wants to shoot them. The others are wide-eyed as he tells them. Her anger rises and his chair moves out from under him.

She holds her breath and closes her eyes, expecting people to stare at her, but nobody notices and she lets out a breath.

She doesn't feel guilty.

* * *

When school ends she is Sarah. She is Sarah and she forgets to be Ava. She exits hand in hand with Bella, smiling and laughing and normal, for once in her life. 

Her eyes meet cold, dark ones and she falls back into Ava with a shock. Her hand falls limply to her side and in a moment of truth she knows she will not be coming back to this school again.

Once more she has failed. She doesn't know why yet but she can see it in his eyes as he approaches.

She grabs Bella's hand and squeezes it tightly, memorising the feel of it, sweaty and small within her own.

Then she lets go, walks away, and doesn't look back.

He walks her home in silence.

He opens the door in silence.

He makes his way into the bedroom.

"Wait there."

She waits.

When he returns the photo he shows her is simple. A woman lying on her back, sleeping. The bottom is torn but she does not consider this.

Then it clicks.

She traces the photo slowly, trying to make skin come alive beneath her touch. She remembers this person. At the first flat, the one where her failure tainted the air, the woman had been their next-door neighbour. She had seen her once, when they moved in, but she remembered that it had been her that had seen her fall through the window, called the ambulance.

She knew then that the picture was not one of sleep.

She tries to look away but he grabs her chin and brings her face nearer.

"This is what they do. Innocent people, killed for no reason, except that the fact they saw you, spoke to you, even once. The humans who chase us will stop at nothing to find you. If you are any sort of person, you will not endanger those around you. You are alone Ava. Until we find them, you have to be alone. Do you understand?"

For a moment she thinks she sees compassion in his eyes and she nods slowly, curls tickling her face.

Then she is running to the bathroom and throwing up because that woman will never wake up, and although she does not know her, there is an awful sort of finality to that.

If she let herself think any further she would be crushed. She is a murderer, but her mind stays far away from that. To admit it would be to feel it, and she is not sure she is strong enough for that. So she sits by the toilet, face wet with what she assumes are tears, although she does not remember crying.

She is Ava, and she is alone.

* * *

Back in the bedroom the man once known as Nasedo lights a candle and watches the photo gradually curl up and burn. Suddenly remembering he reaches into his pocket for the crumpled piece of paper that lies there. It is the bottom of the photo, and on the woman's stomach, a silver glow shines from a glowing handprint. 

He watches it burn and ignores the small noises from the bathroom.

It is for her own good.


End file.
